Many couples say that they are most afraid of spending money when dating. I remember one time when I was doing relationship counseling, Joyce called me and said, "My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, and he suddenly told me that he wants to go AA. Does this mean that he doesn't want to develop a relationship with me?" This situation is actually very common. Today, let me discuss in depth the relationship between love and money with you all.
Debunking the myth: Does the AA system mean lack of sincerity?
In Hong Kong, a city with high prices, money allocation has always been an important issue for couples to get along with each other. Some people think that the AA system is just too calculating and doesn’t have the feeling of a couple. However, according to a study by local marriage counselor Dr. Zhou, couples who do not clearly discuss the allocation of money from the beginning are more likely to accumulate too many financial problems and affect their relationship.
The psychological code behind the concept of money
In fact, AA definitely puts more of a burden on the man, which reflects the family background and values of both parties. Just like what my other client Kenny said, "My mom taught me since I was a child that men should support the family, but my girlfriend always says we should split the bill first to achieve equality." Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, it is better to understand everyone's thoughts and concerns.
In Hong Kong, there are actually many ways to interpret the AA system. Some couples will strictly split the expenses 50-50, some will look at the income ratio, and some will categorize the expenses, such as splitting the daily meal expenses, but the man will take the lead in giving gifts. The key is to find the balance that suits everyone best.
According to a survey conducted by a local dating platform, more than 60% of young couples adopt some form of AA system. But what’s interesting is that only 20% of them will continue to do so after marriage. This data tells us that as a relationship develops to different stages, the allocation of money will change accordingly.
How to start talking without being awkward?
Many people ask me, "When is the best time to speak up?" My suggestion is: speak up when the relationship is stable but not too deep. For example, after dating for a month or two, both of you understand each other's living habits and spending patterns, but you are not yet at the stage of being fully committed. At this time, it will be more natural to talk about money.
It’s not easy to talk about money, but talking well can avoid a lot of arguments in the future. The most important thing is to use the right manner and tone. You can start by sharing your own financial habits: "I think it's healthy for two people to be considerate of each other when spending money together. What do you think?" Use a relaxed conversation to understand the other person's thinking.
How to keep love fresh: the wisdom of money allocation
When couples get along with each other, they need to learn to balance "calculating" and "generosity". I have seen couples set up a joint spending budget every month so that both parties know clearly what they can afford. This approach is not about being calculative, but about mutual respect and understanding.
Remember, there is no one size fits all. The most important thing is to respect each other, communicate with sincerity, and find the best way for everyone to get along. Relationship is a journey for two people, and money allocation is just one of the topics that require mutual understanding and cooperation. The most important thing is to share honestly, understand each other, and grow together.
Every couple divides their finances differently. A client of mine, Jasmine, shared with me that she and her boyfriend use the "big and small dining" method, which means that they split the bill when they are a little frugal with food on weekdays, but the man will pay for the weekend date or special occasions. Some couples will categorize their expenses: daily meals and transportation expenses can be shared equally, but gifts and travel will be dominated by the one with a higher income.
After starting the AA system, you'll often find that people's spending habits are quite different. For example, in another case study of mine, May and her boyfriend often argued over the food budget. The girl would like to celebrate at a fancy restaurant, but the boy thinks it is unnecessary. The most important thing at this time is to understand the reasons behind it, rather than just looking at the amount of money on the surface.
How to handle special situations?
Many couples will encounter some special situations, for example: one party suddenly loses his or her job, how should the expenses be allocated? One party wants to continue his studies, but the tuition is very expensive. Should he continue to split the bill? What should I do when my family gives gifts to two people?
These situations need to be handled according to the actual situation and everyone's emotional foundation. The most important thing is to communicate honestly and understand each other.
Hong Kong people celebrate festivals with great enthusiasm. It is a science to decide what gifts to give on Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries. I suggest that you agree on a budget for each holiday in advance so that everyone won’t be under too much pressure. Remember one principle: the value of a gift does not lie in money, but in the thought.
If your relationship is developing steadily, you can start thinking about a plan to save money together. It seems that some couples will save a travel fund together, or save money for future marriage. This process can test everyone's financial management ability and deepen the relationship at the same time.
The allocation of money cannot be decided once and for all, but requires frequent communication and adjustment. Just like a couple I coached before, they would take time every month to talk about their financial situation, so that both their relationship and financial situation can remain healthy.
Ultimate Wisdom
Talking about money in a relationship does not mean being calculative; it means respecting and understanding each other. No matter which method you choose, the most important things are:
- Communicate openly: Don’t hold back, speak out your feelings
- Mutual understanding: Understand that everyone’s economic situation and values may be different
- Stay flexible: Don’t be too obsessed with a certain model, and be able to adjust according to the situation
- Love is the basis: Remember that money is only a tool, and feelings are the most important.
Finally, I want to tell you that love is a process that needs to be managed with care. The distribution of money is only one of the tests. The most important thing is that the two people can support each other and grow together. As long as we maintain sincerity and mutual trust, I believe we can find the most suitable way for everyone to get along with each other.
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