Avoidant attachment personality: Why do we love deeply but always avoid intimacy?

Dec 31, 2024Waddy Store

Introduction: I love you, but why can't I get close to you?

"Why can't I always feel secure in a relationship? I clearly love the other person, but when it comes to intimacy, I feel panic and uneasy." This is Xiaozhi's inner struggle, and it is also an emotional dilemma faced by many people. Xiaozhi is a typical person with avoidant attachment personality. His fear of intimacy always prevents him from fully committing himself to love. As the relationship becomes closer, he begins to feel pressured and instinctively wants to escape.

If you often find yourself in a state of being **on and off** in love and have difficulty establishing a real emotional connection in relationships, perhaps you are experiencing the challenges of an **avoidant attachment style**. This article will give you a deep understanding of this emotional characteristic, and through specific situational stories, help you identify whether you have an avoidant attachment personality, and how to effectively face and change this emotional pattern.

What is avoidant attachment personality?

**Avoidant Attachment Style** is an attachment style in attachment theory. According to the attachment theory of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, there are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Avoidant attachment personality is an emotional pattern that is often characterized by avoidance of intimacy, fear of dependence, and reliance on others.

This type of people usually failed to establish a stable attachment relationship in their early life experiences. Often because of past emotional hurt or lack of care, they develop a fear of intimacy and use avoidance to protect themselves.

Four characteristics of avoidant attachment personality

1. Hiding your true emotions

For people with avoidant attachment personality, expressing true emotions is extremely difficult. They often hide their sadness, anger or vulnerability, fearing that others will see their inner fragility. They habitually maintain an emotional distance and avoid letting others get too close to them. Such behavior may sometimes cause outsiders to misunderstand them as cold and heartless. In fact, their inner emotional world may be more sensitive than anyone else.

** Situational story: **

Xiaoli has been with her boyfriend Ajun for three years, and Ajun always finds that her feelings towards him are always distant. Even if Ajun prepared a surprise for her or expressed his feelings openly, Xiaoli was always vague and even hid her inner pain. Whenever Ajun asked her if she had any worries, Xiaoli would always answer, "Nothing, I'm fine." However, Ajun knew that Xiaoli was feeling more and more depressed, which made him feel helpless and began to question the future of this relationship.

2. Fear of further intimacy

For people with avoidant attachment personality, close relationships often bring tremendous pressure. They fear becoming overly dependent on each other and are terrified of commitment and responsibility. As the other person's needs become stronger and stronger, they will feel constrained and instinctively begin to retreat.

** Situational story: **

Xiaozhi and Xiaoting have been dating for a while, and Xiaoting gradually expressed her expectations for this relationship, hoping that it could develop further, and even talked about the future of marriage. However, whenever Xiaoting mentioned these topics, Xiaozhi began to become anxious and even began to treat Xiaoting coldly. He always found excuses to avoid these discussions and repeatedly stressed that "we are living well now and don't need to think so much." This situation made Xiaoting feel lost and helpless, but she couldn't understand why Xiaozhi was so resistant to such a future.

3. Pretend to be independent

People with avoidant attachment personality often display excessive independence, avoid expressing their needs, and are unwilling to rely on others. They believe that the need to rely on others is a weakness and will try to avoid this dependence through work, hobbies, etc. This behavior is often an attempt to mask their inner insecurities and fears of emotional dependency.

** Situational story: **

Xiaomei is a career-oriented woman. She is often busy with work, fitness, and even participating in various social activities. She feels this allows her to maintain her image as independent and strong. However, when her friends began to care about her private life and even asked whether she should start a relationship, Xiaomei always made excuses: "I don't have time for a relationship right now. I'm busy." But in fact, Xiaomei's deep fear of intimacy prevented her from completely letting down her self-protection defenses.

4. Difficulty expressing one’s emotions

People with avoidant attachment personality are not good at expressing emotions. They often lack the language to express their emotions, and are always hesitant when sharing their feelings with others. They may even transform emotional discomfort into physical pain. For example, when they feel anxious or stressed, they may complain of physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches.

** Situational story: **

Xiaohong feels very uncomfortable every time he talks about feelings with his girlfriend Xiaolan. He often says that he has "a bad stomach" or "feels tired lately" and is unwilling to face his inner fears. He even began to rely on drugs to alleviate these feelings of anxiety, rather than having a sincere communication with Xiaolan. This confused Xiaolan, and she couldn't understand why every time she tried to get closer to Xiaohong, she would get a cold response.

How does avoidant attachment personality affect intimate relationships?

Avoidant attachment personality not only affects the expression of self-emotions, but also poses challenges to intimate relationships. This person's avoidance of intimacy can lead to a sense of instability in the relationship and can easily make the other party feel neglected or alienated. Over time, this emotional distance can exacerbate the tension and conflict in a relationship, and may ultimately lead to its breakdown.

How to deal with avoidant attachment personality?

1. Enhance self-awareness

Understanding your own emotional patterns and recognizing that you may have an avoidant attachment personality is the first step to change. For those who find themselves with an avoidant attachment style, recognizing this can help them gain more clarity about their own behaviors and reactions in close relationships.

2. Gradually build a sense of security

People with avoidant attachment personality often lack a sense of security in intimate relationships. Therefore, when establishing an intimate relationship, they need to gradually build trust. Both parties can start with small steps and gradually strengthen the emotional connection.

3. Seek professional help

If you find that you are unable to change your avoidant attachment personality, or if this behavior has affected your life and interpersonal relationships, you may consider seeking psychological counseling or treatment. A professional psychotherapist can help gain insight into attachment patterns and provide effective emotion management techniques.

Conclusion: Escaping does not mean giving up

For people with avoidant attachment personality, fear in intimate relationships does not mean that they do not desire love and companionship, but rather it is their defense mechanism when facing emotions. Understanding and accepting your own emotional characteristics and learning to gradually break down emotional barriers are the keys to improving intimate relationships.

Everyone has the ability to change when you begin to understand yourself and learn to express yourself in a healthy way.